All Eyes on Me

Do you ever get the feeling you are being watched?

When I sat down in the reserved chair, a part of me was a bit anxious and part of me was scared. And there was a small part that felt calm and ready to take on this challenge. Having finished three years of medical school, I have learned that sometimes courage is all you have at the end of the day, and that is ultimately what takes you a step further.

So, I sat there. I could just feel all 100 eyes starting at me, taking me in. Analyzing me, the way I sat, what I wore, my choice of shoes, my messy hair style, my overstuffed and sullied white coat. They were all processing the minute details that defined me--I am sure. It was not so long ago that I sat in their seats doing the same. I shut them all out and just focused on the task ahead of me.

***

In medical school you are always being watched. You are supervised at every step of the way. At times, it's comforting knowing that someone double checks everything you do, from writing a note to writing an order to performing a physical exam. You always have confirmation. But at the same time, you also find yourself wanting to develop autonomy and independence to prove to yourself that you are capable of being a doctor, who will one day be responsible for patient lives (on your own).

***

My patient was fifty-something year-old woman. Her dark brown hair was neatly party. She had dark red lipstick and blue clothes. She sat down in front of me. And I began the interview. She had abdominal pain and her son was recently hospitalized in the ICU after a motor vehicle accident.

It was just like any other interview and I focused on my patient in front of me, fading out the sea of white coats.

There were over fifty first year medical students watching me perform this interview for their doctoring class.

I got through the interview and was able to an adequate patient history, while drawing on the clinical pearls they taught is in the first two years of doctoring class.


By the end of the interview, I looked out and saw the glowing and exciting faces of the medical students. They are just in the first week of their training and I could see the excitement in their eyes, the same excitement I had in my eyes three years ago, which I hope I can carry with me in the years to come, when I am not being watched.